Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Let's Play "Is it a Crime?"



Welcome to everyone's favorite gameshow, "Is it a Crime?"! I'm your host, Dan Pratt. As always, the object of the game is to determine how many violent acts each contestant can get away with. The contestant who is allowed to commit the most amount of brutal deeds will win the game! Today's game features two very special contestants. Our challenger for today grew up in your hometown, likes to do the things that you do, and just wants to live his life in peace. Welcome, Average Joe! And we welcome back our defending champion. He was conceived as a tool for forceful domination, enjoys getting involved in everyone's lives, and believes that there is only one way to do everything. Welcome, Government! We will ask each contestant whether or not specific activities constitute a crime. Let's go straight to the questions!



Is engaging in the drug trade a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to secretly produce, distribute, buy, or sell drugs, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. Through the Food and Drug Administration, we license certain organizations to produce, distribute, buy, or sell drugs. Only we are able to determine which drugs are allowed. When the FDA licenses dangerous drugs, no one has to face any consequences.

Is human trafficking a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to secretly move people from one country to another, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. Through the Department of Homeland Security, we have monopolized human trafficking. Only we are able to determine who is allowed to come into the country.

Is pollution a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to pollute land or water with waste, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. Many government operations are exempt from any laws on pollution. Through the Environmental Protection Agency, we give licenses to certain organizations so that they are allowed to pollute. Whoever owns the land or water that gets polluted cannot use the law to prosecute the government or other licensed polluters.

Is gaining a monopoly in any industry a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to gain a monopoly in an industry, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. We have a monopoly on the laws, the police, the courts, and the military.

Is running an extortion racket a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to threaten to attack individuals or businesses if they didn't give me money, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. When we threaten to attack individuals or businesses if they don't give us money, we call it taxation.

Is counterfeiting a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to create my own dollar bills, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. We license a private organization, the Federal Reserve, to counterfeit. Counterfeiting is encouraged in order to pay for government activities.

Is cybercrime a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to gain unauthorized access to a computer network, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. We constantly use the NSA to listen in on privately-owned networks in order to steal vast amounts of data. Since we claim it is for the safety of everyone, we have exempted ourselves from any consequences.

Is coercion a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I used threats or force to induce people or organizations to do something against their will, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. We reserve the right to use threats or force to induce people or organizations to act in ways that we deem acceptable. We call it regulation.

Is breaking and entering a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I went onto private property without permission, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. We reserve the right to use force to break into houses and businesses without prior notice if there is a need and only we can determine if there is a need or not. Even when we make a mistake, we are not liable for any damages.

Is kidnapping a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to use force to put an innocent person in a cage against their will, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. We often use force to put innocent people in cages. That's what happens when we arrest people who never did anything wrong. We might let them go eventually but they're not allowed to sue us and we don't even lose our jobs.

Is assault or murder a crime?
Average Joe: Yes. If I were to attack or kill an innocent person, I would be prosecuted.
Government: No. When an assault or murder is committed as part of a large-scale, well-organized, military invasion called "war", or as part of a police operation, the government does not consider it a crime. When there is an allegation that the government committed assault or murder, government agencies and courts investigate the government and the government rarely finds the government liable for any crime.

That concludes the questions. The points have been tallied. Our winner is...(drumroll, please)...Government! Once again Government has shown he cannot be beat in the realm of legitimized abusive behavior! Well, that's our show for today. I hope you enjoyed it. Join us next time on "Is it a Crime?"!

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